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Rainbow Divider

Chapter 7

The Honeymoon

Hebrews 13:4. “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.”

In our treatment of the subject of sex it certainly seems appropriate that some analysis of a newly wed couple’s sexual problems should be considered. It is usually the honeymoon where they begin to learn about each other in a sexual sense. This is where the marriage bed begins. This is the long awaited climax of their courtship and love for each other.

At least this is where their first experience together in sexual union should take place. I might add this should be the moral rule for all regardless of whether it’s their first marriage or sexual experience. Newly married couples, regardless of their past experiences, have certain adjustments to make.

As is brought out elsewhere in our writings there are many sexual myths that have to be dispelled through truth. It is on the honeymoon that newlyweds have to come to grips with the sexual myths they have come to believe. Some are frustrated and greatly disappointed when their honeymoon fails to bring the sexual bliss and happiness they anticipated.

Sexual myths or mental hang-ups are simply wrong thinking or wrong believing. Early sexual frustration can lead to greater mental hang-ups that will continue to hinder sexual harmony and bliss long after the honeymoon is over. This is caused by ignorance on the part of one or both the bride and groom.

MAN THE HEAD

Man as head of the woman is a type of Christ, the head of the Church which is his body. Even as Christ through love, patience, and truth takes the initiative in working with his body the Church, so should the man in helping his wife sexually. It is my conviction that the man is more responsible than the woman in making a success of marriage including their sex life.

God did not make man the head of the woman by accident any more than he made Christ the head of the Church by accident. I Cor. 11:3. By virtue of his creation man is the stronger vessel. Although we are aware of the spirit at work today to eliminate this God-ordained distinction between the man and the woman, this difference remains. I Peter 3:7 says, “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life: that your prayers be not hindered.” This same order is confirmed by Paul in I Tim. 2:9-15.

The fact that this principle is not understood nor honored by much of the world does not eliminate it. Our purpose here is not to convert the world on this issue but to help those who sincerely desire truth that will help them in their marriage and sex life. Everyone will profit by obedience to divine principle whether they are a Christian or not.

Man, as the head of the woman, is endowed by his creator with greater strength both physically and intellectually. Generally speaking the man has more discernment, greater will power, courage and initiative than the woman. Although there are varied exceptions to these qualities in men, it is these general characteristics that enable them to take their place as leader and head of the woman. In reference to Melchisedec (type of Christ) blessing Abraham, Hebrews 7:7 says, “And without all contradiction the less is blessed of the better.” Likewise the woman, in the subordinate position, should be blessed by her head the man.

In contrast to these qualities in the man, the woman, as a result of being the weaker vessel, is more fearful, timid and less discerning. This is why she is the helpmeet instead of the head. Genesis 2:18. This is also why it is necessary for the man and the woman to assume their God-given places in the marriage union. This in itself is the beginning of success in marriage and subsequent sexual harmony.

In taking the initiative man must exercise patience, love and moral constraint and not force or coercion. The fact that the man is stronger and more aggressive and the woman is weaker and more timid does not eliminate this God-ordained method. Eph. 5:25-33, I Peter 3:7.

Christ, the head, is always sufficient and available. There is no lack on his part. But the Church, his body, has to be aroused and prepared. Faith is necessary before she can respond to his wooing. Therefore faith must be ministered to her through love, the Word and the Holy Spirit. Rom. 10:17. She has to be quickened or made alive (conscious) of his love for her.

MUST BE PREPARED

This same principle applies to the man in regard to the woman. Most men are quickly excited and ready for sexual intercourse. But this is not so of most women. Although she is more sensitive than the man in many ways, God made her far less aggressive and sexually excitable than the man. She has to be patiently and carefully prepared for sexual response.

More fearful and easily intimidated than the man, conditions have to be just right before she is able or feels free to yield herself in sexual intercourse. Although the woman is more subject to such distraction, this is also true of the man. Since the mind controls the various functions of the body, including man’s and woman’s sexual organs, there must be complete mental concentration for sexual union. As we have said elsewhere, sex is more psychological than physical.

Here again we have a type of principle that must be honored. Man is saved by faith and faith cometh by hearing. Eph. 2:8-9, Rom. 10:17. What a person believes brings him into union with God. Works or corresponding action is the result of his faith. Likewise there must be mental and physical preparation before sexual union can be effected.

PRIVACY NEEDED

To facilitate this a young married couple should get away from friends, relatives and acquaintances where they can have those first few days of married life in privacy. The Lord himself recognizes the need for newly wed couples to have this time of adjustment and coming to know each other as man and wife. Deut. 24:5 says, “When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken.”

This need for privacy on the honeymoon where they can feel free to give vent to their love and desire for each other is very necessary. Along with this there should also be time and opportunity for wholesome entertainment sandwiched in between their love making. Going and doing some things together will enhance the honeymoon and their first few days together as man and wife.

PHYSICAL ATTRACTION IMPORTANT

Needless to say these first days together are very important and many times vital to the future success of their marriage. Each should be at their very best in physical appearance and cleanliness. This includes looking good, acting good and smelling good. Song of Solomon 4:10 says, “How fair is thy love, my sister, my spouse! how much better is thy love than wine! and the smell of thine ointments than all spices.”

The bridegroom speaks of the physical love of his bride as being better than the love of wine and the smell of her ointments than all spices. This has reference to perfume and her physical loveliness which has an intoxicating effect upon the bridegroom. These things help to psychologically prepare a couple where they can say, “Thou art all fair, my love, there is no spot in thee.” Song of Solomon 4:7. With privacy and conditions conducive to sexual relationship, the next thing in order is mental and physical preparation.

This is accomplished through tender endearments and physical expressions of love and passion for each other. Intimate love making which comes naturally for most young people is the means ordained of God to prepare minds and bodies for sexual union. The natural love of a man and woman is a type of the spiritual love of Christ and the Church.

The spiritual love of Christ and his bride the Church is foreshadowed by the natural love of the bridegroom and his bride in Song of Solomon. Song of Solomon 1:2 says, “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.” Verse 13 of chapter one says, “A bundle of myrrh is my well beloved unto me; he shall lie all night betwixt my breasts.”

Using symbolic language, this entire book sets forth the love and desire of the bridegroom and bride for each other. Although it typifies spiritual love it uses physical terms which natural man would readily understand. This is accomplished by pointing to and extolling the various parts of the human body. Head, eyes, hands, hair, teeth, lips, cheeks, belly, feet, navel, mouth, neck, legs, thighs and breasts are all referred to. In summation chapter 7 verses 6 and 7 says, “How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights. This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.”

 It will be noticed in verse seven that the word “stature” is used, doubtless referring to the physical whole. This is because it is the overall physical attribute of the sexes that so powerfully appeals to the senses and draws them together. Sadly to say, this too often is the ruling factor in marriage.

It is also significant that “breasts” are mentioned eight times, or more than any other part of the body. This is because the woman’s breasts are the most obvious part of her body that distinguishes her from the man. Fully developed breasts are a sign of feminine maturity or the fact that she is ready for marriage and subsequent physical love.

This truth is confirmed in chapter eight, verse eight, where the writer says, “We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts: what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for?” It is because of this that young ladies are very concerned and, I might add, proud when their breasts begin to develop and fill out. They desire this distinguishing mark of femininity which is nature’s way of saying, I am ready for courtship, marriage and love. This is why so much effort is made to make the woman appear to have a full bosom. This is also why many with well-developed breasts like to wear low neck, breast revealing dresses.

SEXUAL STIMULATION

Even as sex wasn’t created just for reproduction, neither were the woman’s breasts made only to nurse the infant. The breasts are a beautiful part of the woman’s body and actually linked to her sexuality, physically and psychologically. This is why the woman’s breasts are associated with sex in her own mind and also the mind of the man.

God intended for it to be that way. This is also why in preparation for sexual union along with general love making, the woman’s breasts are a chief source of sexual stimulation.

Although physically mature men and women are potentially capable of indulging in and enjoying sex, it is mental preparation through love making that actually triggers the chemistry of their bodies and prepares them for sexual intercourse. Careful preparation is even more necessary with the woman who is a type of Christ’s body the Church. This truth is borne out by medical science which says, “there must be mental or emotional excitement which conveys its message to the woman’s sexual apparatus.”

This results in a congestion of her sexual organs with blood causing a swelling of the clitoris which becomes extremely sensitive to the touch and friction. This also results in a release of lubricating fluid by the Bartholen’s glands necessary to facilitate ingress of the male member into the vagina. Simultaneous with this, the entrance of the vagina relaxes in order not to impede the entrance of the penis.

The clitoris is a small organ in the woman’s vagina capable of erection comparable to the male penis. It is through repeated contact of the penis and the clitoris that sexual excitement is intensified until there is a climax resulting in orgasm. Without proper mental preparation there can be no sexual excitement. Without sexual excitement there can be no erection of the penis or the clitoris. And of course without this there can be no intercourse nor subsequent sexual gratification.

Through this we are made to see how man’s mind affects and regulates the chemistry of his body. Although this is somewhat of a tangent from the subject we are studying here, I must add, all emotional stress affects the chemistry of our body in some manner. This can be negative or positive resulting in good or bad effect upon us. Surely we are “fearfully and wonderfully made...” Psalms 139:14. I am persuaded this scripture has reference to the whole man and not just his body.

What a person believes not only influences the chemistry of his body, but also regulates or governs his entire life in words, deeds, and emotions. Although our subject here is designed to promote sexual harmony and happiness this principle applies to every area of man’s life, both spiritual and physical. Proverbs 3:6-8, 4:20-22, 17:22.

MEN NEED WISDOM

How greatly we need men with the wisdom of God to take their place as head of the woman. Beyond doubt ignorance and a lack of love and patience on the part of the man is responsible for many sexual problems that lead to marital troubles and many times divorce. And likewise there is a need for the woman to be cooperative and patient.

Since the woman is by nature more timid and fearful, she needs gentle loving assurance from her husband. Comparable to Christ ministering to the Church, she needs faith to respond and cooperate in sexual union. More subject to have mental hang-ups than the man it takes wisdom and patience to dispel her fears and prepare her for the marriage bed.

Above all the husband should never be critical or negative toward his wife concerning their sexual relations. A positive attitude with patient encouragement will work wonders with a timid or fearful wife. This is especially true during the time a new couple is getting adjusted to each other sexually. In fact this is a good rule to practice regardless of how long a couple has been married.

Regardless of past sexual experiences every new couple has to become adjusted to each other. This takes time, patience and cooperation. If the bride is a virgin the groom needs to be especially gentle and easy with her. It is also wise to use a lubricant in the beginning and after normal relations are achieved, if necessary. If the bride is the least bit fearful or reluctant, the groom should be considerate and wisely wait. When this happens the process of courtship should be resumed until the bride is ready for sexual relations.

Even though you are legally married when the vows are made and the minister or official pronounces you man and wife, biological marriage is not consummated until sexual union and harmony by both man and wife is experienced.

VIRGINS

Where the bride is a virgin, the hymen of the young wife will occasionally present real difficulty. It is so resistant in some instances that considerable effort may be necessary to break it. In rare cases it may require the help of a physician in removing this obstruction. The hymen is the seal that God, in creation, has placed upon a woman’s virginity. Occasionally there will be some pain and there may be slight bleeding as a result of the first union.

In such cases the greatest of care should be taken, and the wife, by all means, granted the privilege of being the active party. An aggressive intensive husband can, at such a time, hurt a sensitive, frightened and unprepared wife. This can lead to fear of sex and mental hang-ups by the wife that may wreck their marriage before it gets started. Where there is any problem at all, the husband should let the wife be the aggressor while he, with infinite patience and tenderness, remains her gentle lover subject to her slightest whim.

With respect to the hymen being infallible proof of the bride’s virginity, the groom needs to understand that this is not necessarily so. It is commonly known that many virgins have lost the hymen due to horseback riding, athletic or other physical activities. Ignorance of these facts has been the cause of unjust accusations and jealousy by the husband.

PATIENCE AND COOPERATION

With love, time and patience, there should be no reason for the average couple not having a normal and gratifying sexual relationship. Sex, like love, is a two-way street. It takes cooperation on the part of both parties to have real sexual harmony. This is as necessary for the wife as it is for the husband. Even as it is necessary for members of Christ’s body to cooperate with Christ, their head, if they are to be blessed.

Physical cooperation helps both parties to concentrate mentally, which is necessary to shut out distracting thoughts that hinder sexual union. Both partners must be wholeheartedly involved in giving themselves to each other; without this it is like faith without works. James 2:17.

Cooperation brings concentration, concentration brings faith and faith brings results.

Unlike the man, the woman can remain passive or pretend. But the man cannot because normal sexual intercourse is impossible without erection of the male member. This, of course, makes the woman completely dependent on the man even as the Church is dependent on Christ.

However sex is never complete or fully satisfying if either party is not fully cooperating with each other and enjoying the relationship. Sex, like love and every good thing that God created for man, is to be shared. Lack of mutual enjoyment has an adverse psychological effect on both parties and can lead to serious marital problems if not corrected.

EXPERIMENTATION HELPFUL

Until a couple becomes adjusted to each other and achieve sexual harmony, it is perfectly normal to do a little experimenting as to technique or position. No two people are exactly alike and what might work fine with one couple might not with another. The important thing is to find the position or technique that is best for both man and wife. We are not by any means suggesting sexual perversion but simply a change of position which might help one or both to achieve a more complete physical union.

Even after a couple becomes adjusted to each other a change of position sometimes breaks the monotony of the usual form or routine and results in a new sexual adventure. Although the change may not be desired permanently, it does serve to give variety which can enhance the sexual union.

Change of position also causes each partner to contribute to the sex act in a new and different way. This is sometimes psychologically good as it requires a special effort of mental concentration as well as physical cooperation. Since it is so vitally important that the mind be completely involved during intercourse, a change of position may greatly facilitate this need. The enjoyment of sex is a beautiful, undefiled, God-given experience provided for mankind. Although it is to be enjoyed in the private intimacy of the bedroom, it is nothing to be ashamed of by man or woman.

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